Lost in Federation Space
by Janarky
Summary: LOST IN FEDERATION SPACE, a fanfic crossover honoring and maybe parodying a wee bit the old TV shows Star Trek and Lost in Space.
1. Chapter 1

LOST IN FEDERATION SPACE, a fanfic crossover honoring (and maybe parodying a wee bit) the old TV shows Star Trek and Lost in Space.

This fic was done at the request of someone on IMDB who really, really wanted to see the crews of the 2 ships meet. He was particularly interested in how Spock would interact with Dr. Smith and who would win in a fight between John Robinson (from the old TV show, not movie) and Captain James Kirk. Don't ask me why he wanted to see the two fight, he just did, and I saw it as an interesting challenge.

Thus, this fic before you was born.

1.

"Captain, the vessel approaching does not appear on any logs or databases, and yet bears the Terran inscription 'Jupiter-2'."

"On screen, Mr. Spock, and hail them."

Uhura spoke with her usual efficient alacrity. "Hailing on all frequencies, Captain."

Kirk raised his voice and spoke clearly as he pushed the com button. "This is Captain James T. Kirk of the USS Enterprise. Please identify yourself."

"This is Professor John Robinson of the Jupiter-2! Am I to take it you're from Earth?"

"Yes...Professor...we're from Earth. Do you need assistance?"

Cheering could be heard in the background; Spock lifted an eyebrow in response to the joyous ruckus. "We launched in 1998! We've been lost ever since! Thank God someone finally found us! Are you with Alpha Control?"

Kirk replied, "This is the Alpha Quadrant of Federation space." Muting the com he turned to Spock. "Observations, Mr. Spock?"

Spock turned to Kirk. "Captain, I detect cryotubes aboard the ship, however those tubes have not been used in a long while, and such technology was still very primitive in the 20th century. There are also 6 cryotubes while I detect 7 life forms, all human. Furthermore, they should have encountered other ships if they'd been in this part of space long, or we'd have heard of them as they were journeying here..."

"And..." added Kirk unnecessarily, "what interstellar ships were launched in 1998?"

"Given the chaos of the eugenics wars, Captain, and the loss of records in World War 3, it is not entirely impossible a Jupiter-2 was launched and then forgotten about. However, they have not been in the Alpha Quadrant long. Perhaps they were lost in a tachyon storm and have just reemerged into our space, or perhaps they are from a different universe entirely that has traveled sideways as well as forward in time. It would help to explain the most unusual engineering of their vessel."

"That would be logical," replied Kirk, a bit curtly as if he were privately mocking Spock. "But I suspect this is a trick of some kind to get us to lower our guard before something bizarre happens to us again and we should be cautious...it could even be a sleeper ship full of augments." He was interrupted as John Robinson asked if anything were wrong. Pressing the com button, he added, "Everything is fine, Professor, would you care to beam aboard and we can tow your vessel to the nearest starbase?"

"Beam aboard?" responded Professor Robinson, "I don't understand."

"We've made advances since the 20th century. We can now transport people from point A to point B instantly. Your entire crew could be beamed aboard in a matter of seconds if speed were of the essence."

"Is it safe?"

"Perfectly."

Spock spoke up. "Captain, I should remind you that transporter accidents are not unknown..."

"Save it," said Kirk. Pressing the com button again, he asked, "So, would you like to be beamed aboard?"

"If it's safe and no trouble, Captain, I'd love to get a tour of the ship."

Kirk looked meaningfully at Spock. "See? Spies." Pressing the button he added, "We'll beam you over in just a minute, Kirk out. Spock, you're with me. Mr. Sulu, you have the bridge."

"Aye, Captain," said Sulu as Kirk got up, and he and Spock went down to greet their visitors.


	2. Chapter 2

2.

"Seven to beam aboard," said Kirk unnecessarily, as Spock worked the controls. Spock, as usual, did not dignify the captain's inanity with a response, but simply did his job with his usual brilliant efficiency. As 7 humans appeared, Kirk's suspicions were somewhat abated by the females and children. Only Romulan and Vulcan females could prove to be dangerous, though that just made it sweeter to seduce them into betraying their nations or intentions. _Orion females can have their own dangers_, Kirk mused before forgetting all about that, as he focused on the blonde. Like the others, she wore a silver body suit that looked spiffy on the males, but oppressive on the females, who should prove their liberation by showing off legs and abs. He started to approach her first, but saw that the other strangers were looking with uncertainty toward a man that looked not much older than himself and very much in his prime. Deducing that this was the leader, and turning toward him as Star Fleet etiquette demanded, he announced, "I'm Captain Kirk, and you are Professor Robinson, I presume?"

The man he addressed nodded and smiled, though Kirk noticed a little wariness that betrayed the barbaric times they had come from. He put forth his hand and when Kirk grabbed it, he shook hard and revealed strength and excitement in his grip. "Indeed I am, Captain, Professor John Robinson of the Jupiter 2, lost in space for years! We are so glad to meet you!" He let go and looked around. "But the ship is so big, the technology so advanced. How did this come about so quickly?"

"Many things have changed since your time," said Kirk.

John blinked. "Since...my time?" A woman, John's wife, Kirk presumed, silently came up to him and grabbed his arm but said nothing. The children were watchful but also kept silent. A much older man seemed to have drank too much of that coffee that he heard about Klingons using. A younger man was a little behind John, and seemed ready for trouble, but let John take the lead. And then there was the blonde, who took in the scene with what seemed to Kirk to be a confused serenity.

"It's a long story. Perhaps I should have my first officer explain it, perhaps in the rec room? He can even play a mean Vulcan lyre for you."

Spock blinked. "There is nothing mean about a Vulcan lyre."

"Just an expression, Mr. Spock. Please, if you will follow me, you can get refreshments while we answer your questions." 


	3. Chapter 3

3. 

"So you're saying we've been gone for centuries?" John was stunned.

"Time distortions are rare, but not unknown. I was even hurled back in time to before you were born. And then there was Edith..." Kirk sighed wistfully and drank down a little more of the Romulan ale, which he hadn't informed the Robinson family was illegal. They seemed a bit too straight laced for that kind of hijinks. Stupid civies, they never should've left Earth. Then he focused again on the blonde named Judy and smiled. "You look so uncomfortable in that suit. I have a skirt that the women aboard my vessel claim to find very liberating, along with the green ale I'm enjoying now."

"Ahem," coughed the young man, introduced as Major West, meaningfully. "So how long before we reach Earth."

"We'll be at Starbase x-23 in a few hours. From there you can get transport to Earth. In the meantime," said Kirk getting up, "would you care to join me for a tour of the ship?" He went directly to Judy and offered her his arm; he smiled as she blushed.

"I'd love to!" gushed Penny, as she jumped up and took Kirk's arm. Penny recognized how immature the adults could be and was trying to avert the trouble that she knew would come about if Kirk didn't leave her older sister alone.

"Lovely," said Kirk with forced politeness, as he peeled Penny's grip off and wrapped his arm around Judy's, who blushed again but got up.

"Wait a minute," said Major West, "get your hands off of Judy!"

"Don," said John, "I'll handle this." Turning to Kirk, he imperiously demanded, "Get your hands off my daughter!"

"Your daugh...? Oh, I see. Well, she looks to be of age to me. So you can't tell her what to do. And Judy would like to walk with the captain of this fine ship while wearing a liberating miniskirt, I'm sure. Right, Judy?"

"Captain," said Spock standing next to Kirk and gently but firmly removing Kirk's possessive grip from Judy's arm. "Perhaps I should lead the tour."

"YOU lead the...? Now, Spock, you can't lead anything. Why they've never even seen a Vulcan before, how can they trust you?"

"I trust him more than I trust you," said John, "and he made sense in explaining the changes since we launched. However, some things are still the same, including how despicable sailors act while away from home! So tell me, Spock, how many children has Kirk fathered since he's been active in your navy?"

Spock lifted an eyebrow. "Unknown. However, technology makes impregnation unlikely, which is good considering how easy it is for humans to breed with nearly every species in the galaxy, even reptiles. Interspecies breeding is most disturbing with its lack of logic, but one I owe my existence to so I don't complain."

"Hold on, Spock!" shouted Kirk, "Sonjera and Oolena were lying about the paternity! And their babes were obviously...full members of their species..."

"Oh," said Judy, "you mean you bed non-humans? And now you want to get in my pants? What am I, exotic, or just another piece of..."

"Calm yourself, Judy, I'm just a handsome, manly captain that leaves all the women I'm with plenty satisfied."

Judy picked up the rest of her drink and poured it over Kirk's head.

Kirk was stunned. Turning to Spock, he asked in bafflement, "What just happened?"

"Apparently, she has no interest in seeing your phaser, Captain. I think I shall lead the tour."

"No, I will lead it. Heh, I didn't know you had it in you, but just because she looks a lot you of your ex-girlfriend doesn't mean you can have her!" Grabbing Judy's arm and ignoring her sound of protest, he added, "Women all over the galaxy like me. Even Romulan and Klingon women throw themselves at me! You don't know what you're missing by turning me away before you can taste the pleasures I have to offer you!"

Kirk was stunned when Professor John Robinson forcibly removed Kirk's grip and then punched him in the face.

"Did they teach you that at the Academy?" asked Kirk, holding the back of one hand to his mouth, before he got up and tried to kick John with both feet at the same time. Unfortunately, John seemed to have learned how to dodge rather than stupidly taking such an easily avoided blow, and it took twice as much energy to attack and miss than it did to attack and hit. Plus, his spine hurt now. Getting back up, he said with more seriousness, "It's on now, 'Professor.'" But the professor countered all his silly swings and blows while he just flopped around like an idiot instead of the great captain he envisioned himself as. Finally, he stumbled to a com unit, and pushing the button yelled, "Security to the rec room!"

"Oh, no you don't!" shouted Don as he ran to have his turn at Kirk one on one. Spock grabbed him as he passed in a Vulcan nerve pinch and he collapsed.

"Don!" shouted the professor and he threw himself at Spock before meeting the same fate.

"What did you do to my dad!?" shouted the boy in outrage, lunging at Spock to join the growing heap on the floor. Penny had tried stopping Will. She seemed too likely to hurt herself attacking Spock or being mistaken by security as a mini-threat so Spock stunned her, too.

"Penny!" shouted Judy as she lunged for Penny. Just for neatness sake, Spock stunned her as well.

Spock was looking at the last one awake and saw him faint.

"Excellent work, Mr. Spock," said Kirk, "I should've used that, but I didn't want to beat them too quickly. Have everyone put in the brig except for Judy, who will go straight to my quarters..."

Then Spock used the nerve pinch on his captain, too.


	4. Chapter 4

4.

The brawl was over but the damage was still being tallied.

"He's dead, Jim. The other one is just unconscious." It seemed the 2 security officers that had run in had tripped and hit their heads, and one didn't survive. Then the phaser on the survivor exploded. Sighing, McCoy announced he was now dead, too.

Kirk, awake now, glared at the Robinson family, also awake. "I invited you on my ship, and you bring death! I won't stand for it!"

Maureen tried showing there was a bright side to things, even death. "Well I'm sure someone else could use a job anyway. And look, both the shirts of the security officers are red, so those should be easy to clean."

Kirk was not mollified. "Bones, get these people into the brig! And my treasonous first officer, too!"

"Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a security officer!"

"I gave you an order, Bones!"

"I'm afraid you hit your head a little too hard, Jim. I'm temporarily relieving you of command." 

"Relieving?" He caught himself before he repeated the rest. "Bones, are you mad?"

"You pull these people aboard, try to jump into the pants of the young lady, probably mindless of things like shotgun weddings, and then after getting the whupping you earned you tell ME to put them in the brig when I have 2 dead security officers and injured guests to take care of!"

"Red shirts, like the lady said, we'll just get more at the next starbase."

"Dammit, Jim, life isn't that cheap! Even if they lost their lives in a way that makes me think humanity is better off without them reproducing. I won't take these decent people to the brig, but I'll return them to their ship and if you can keep your pants on, maybe we'll try it again more civilized on THEIR ship."

"No, Bones, the brig."

"You're relieved of command. Doctor's orders."

Kirk's hands balled up into fists and he began counting backwards from 10.

"Captain," said Spock, "to make up for my pinching them, I will take them to their ship and apologize on behalf of our ship."

"Apolo...Spock, what's gotten into you? They started it!"

"They were unaccustomed to your, shall we say, vigor to embrace anything with breasts that move. They should be more comfortable on their own ship and then we can try to mend relations and repatriation more slowly and without your usual display of testosterone. Since you are relieved of command, that leaves me in charge." Glancing at their guests, he said ever so politely, "If you please, follow me."

They followed him back to the transporter room.


	5. Chapter 5

5.

On the Jupiter 2, Spock got along much better with the Robinsons. He stood while the rest lounged around, and he found their recounting of their journey through the anomaly that led them here about an hour before being found by the Enterprise to be fascinating. "Please, tell me more about the properties of this anomaly."

"You heard him, you ninny," shouted Dr. Smith, slapping the robot.

"I compute it to have been an extreme tachyon pulse flare, very sudden," said the metallic voice. "Properties unknown."

"Is that the best you can do, you bubble-headed booby? Well, never fear, Smith is here."

"Fascinating." Spock wasn't referring to the anomaly, but to the unusual abusive bond between Smith and the robot. He wondered if the rest of the crew treated Smith that way and so Smith took it out on the robot. Why abuse the robot? It was like kicking a piece of furniture after you tripped on it. Most illogical. He wondered how he treated the boy and also wondered how mentally stable he was. He briefly wondered what a mind meld would be like on him and nearly lost his lunch at the thought.

Major West spoke up, "Smith, don't you have pans to scrub?"

"What, waste my time with grunt labor? Oh, no, no, Major, I think not. My skills are needed here."

Spock put his hands behind his back, somehow looking casual about it, and asked Smith, "Are you aware that the tachyon pulses are increasing and if we remain you may again be pulled into the anomaly? The Enterprise has the power to withstand its forces, but the Jupiter 2 does not. You may find that it will return you to your time, or it may carry you further into the future, or even sideways in time."

"A crack in the continuum," said John, more to himself.

"If you wish, the Enterprise can transmit stellar maps to your navicomputer, along with schematics that can aid your ship in getting home. No major alteration would be possible as your ship would be unable to make those adjustments any time soon, and we are cautious about events that can affect our past."

"Yes, that would be appreciated very much, Mr. Spock," said John.

After ordering the transmission, Spock added, "However, since you seem to be from a past different from ours, I have authorized this small aid to help you find your way home to your own Earth. However, if you wish it, you may find sanctuary here."

"That's okay," said John. "The Earth in this time isn't our Earth. It's not home. And if Captain Kirk is representative of the Earthlings in this continuum, without morals or decency as we know it, that produces tomcats like Kirk and then puts him in charge of a starship to leave illegitimate children across the galaxy and with many species, then I think we're better off lost, especially if we can find a way back to our own Earth, where my daughters won't be expected to walk around half naked and jump into bed with commanding officers." He looked around and saw regret, but also support for his decision. All except Smith who seemed to be fighting panic.

"Captain Kirk may have his faults, but he is a fine man with his own code of honor, and I am proud to call him my friend," Spock said.

"Really?" asked Major West, "so what good things has he done?"

"He boldly, daringly, and creatively destroyed or foiled utopia for us, his crew, and for members of other worlds, including those that most other officers would've ignored due to the Prime Directive, and taught or reminded those he saved the joys of getting a job and following orders. I once gave up following orders to live with the woman of my dreams, a human botanist named Leila whose love I was finally able to return, on a happy planet that promised peace, joy, and immortality. He saved me from that terrible fate by calling me derogatory names and beating me with a stick until I came to my senses. Afterwards, I aided my captain in rescuing the other colonists and crew members with the same method. I'm not sure Leila ever forgave me for that, but it had to be done."

John swallowed. "I...see...and all the while he's jumping into bed with every woman he sees, no matter the species?"

"Or her national allegiances or disposition. At least until it's time to leave for our next destination. A most effective tactic. I remember when we invaded a hostile power's territory to steal their government's technology under the pretense that Kirk had gone insane. I was successful in my seduction of the Romulan commander and the Captain and I were both successful in our deceit. Not only did we acquire the technology, but kidnapped the commander as well and threw her in the brig. She was repatriated a few months later when the secrets became obsolete anyway, and I presume executed."

"Uh, huh," said John. "Robot, how long before the tachyons trigger another anomaly?"

"I compute within a few minutes," answered the robot.

"That's fine," said John, sounding somehow relieved. "I'm sorry Spock, this sounds like a fascinating future, but I think we should try to find our way back to our own time and our own Earth." He tried not to shudder as Spock gazed at him expressionlessly.

"Oh, Mr. Spock!" interrupted Dr. Smith. "I would like to become a citizen of your fine empire!"

"Federation," corrected Spock.

"Yes, of course. I could be most useful."

"Perhaps to Harry Mudd, but I doubt you could be useful to the Federation."

Smith was undaunted by Spock's lack of emotion as he stated this. He smiled ingratiatingly and claimed, "But I'm sure I can serve so much better than the mental midgets you obviously have commanding your federation." Seeing Spock blink in a way that bespoke disbelief, he added, "Why I recorded quite a bit from my sensor sweeps of the anomaly and used that knowledge to break the Jupiter 2 out of it before we were swept to God only knows where."

"Indeed?" asked Spock neutrally, "so what can you tell me about the anomaly then?"

"Oh, my good man, I'd be only too happy to help you. Once you get me to Earth." As Spock raised an eyebrow to Smith's sudden crafty look and tone of presumed cunning, he quickly added, "You see, when I get to Earth I plan to write my memoirs, including of the amazing properties I discovered in the anomaly before I was able to deduce from my findings a way to escape destruction. Once I get it copyrighted, I would share it with my rescuers, of course. And who knows what else I might discern later with your modern instruments?"

"An intriguing offer," replied Spock with an utterly straight face. "However, your reputation is not the one that inspires trust. Indeed, you are perhaps the most shiftiest Terran I've met since Harry Mudd."

Major West laughed. "He's got you there, Smith. I don't know who Harry Mudd is, but the Vulcans really are smart."

Smith shook his head in disgust, muttering, "I realize that my past is a bit colorful, Mr. Spock, but I assure you that I have seen the light and mended my ways. Cast your slings and arrows if you must, but I have repented of my past misdeeds, and I shrug off your unwarranted insults like a duck shrugging off water."

Major West piped in with, "Can I go get my sling and take up Smith's offer?"

"Be still," said John to West before turning to Spock. "So, are you tempted by the good doctor's offer?"

"Perhaps," said Spock, noting the irony in John's tone and Major West rolling his eyes. "However, you should know that copyright laws are no longer in effect. As someone unconnected to any of Earth's ruling families, you would be a curiosity at best, though you might find a patron that could give you acceptable lodgings in exchange for your insights and efforts."

"Come again?" asked Smith.

Spock spoke more slowly this time. "There is no gain or special privilege to be had in your offer. You would simply be sent out here to see if you could produce anything of value. If you couldn't, then you'd be put with other unfortunates who don't possess the skills needed to achieve success today and forgotten. Though you would receive food, shelter, and all the basic necessities of life. You would, however, be on Earth. Or at least one of Earth's colonies."

"Oh, the pain, the pain of it all," muttered Smith, his tone indicating hurt. "On second thought, it is perhaps better I helped the Robinsons get through the anomaly again. So sorry we couldn't come to an arrangement."

"What I find fascinating is that you are unfamiliar with Vulcans not being able to lie, and yet you took my statements to be completely true. However, I was bluffing. Capitalism is still strong in the Federation. However, we have enough flim flam men without getting another."

"What? How could you lie to me, you pointy-eared buffoon? And why is it so 'fascinating' to betray my trust so sorely?"

"One, I am able to lie, or bluff, as I am half-human. Only my father is Vulcan." Spock ignored the looks of shock and morbid fascination on the Robinson family and continued. "And I find it fascinating that you who spin lies as naturally as you breathe do not assume that others are also spinning their own lies. Deceivers generally expect deceit from others."

The robot loudly interrupted them then with, "Warning! Warning! Tachyon burst reaching critical mass! Warning!" The robot waved its arms about like a Klingon on speed, and Spock made a mental note not to be within reach of it whenever danger might break out.

Dr. Smith shouted, "Oh, no, we're doomed!" He rushed up to Spock, shouting in hysterics, "I demand you grant me asylum! Do you hear me! Asylum! Don't leave me with these mental midgets and this tinplated fraud! And put me in a room with one of the hot ensigns in a miniskirt! NOW! Now, I say!" As he finished, he grabbed Mr. Spock and attempted to shake him but found him extraordinarily resilient, not to mention warm to the touch. And then Spock's hand pinched on his neck and Smith went out like a light. He fell back and his head bumped off the robot before collapsing on the ground.

The robot murmured, "My micromechanism thanks you, my computer tapes thank you, and I thank you."

Major West piped in with, "No, really, you can take him. No one has ever been able to teach him the work ethic, but Kirk sounds like just the guy to do it."

"Some things, I think, are beyond even Captain Kirk's formidable abilities," responded Spock.

"Like resisting anything in a skirt," murmured Major West.

"I must get back to the Enterprise," said Spock.

"You have our thanks," said John.

"Though you could still take Smith," added Major West.

"Thank you, but no," said Spock, though he remembered John earlier saying how some things hadn't changed in regards to sailors, and also wondering why they assumed they'd be returned to the past rather than going further into the future. But there was no time to try to find the hidden logic within his statement, and he often realized that well was dry anyway. So he settled for a civil leave taking. "I wish you success in finding your way home, or finding a place you come to love as home." Spock pulled his communicator out and said, "Enterprise, one to beam aboard."

The Robinsons marveled as Spock vanished in sparkling light. And then...they quickly found their seats and strapped themselves in (the robot kind enough to brace Smith) as their ship began rocking back and forth violently again, only worse than last time...

**T**o Be Continued

NEXT WEEK!

**Same time  
Same channel  
**

**FINAL NOTES:**

I just wanted to add that in the last chapter, the missions Spock refer to that sound utterly ridiculous are true to 2 eps: This Side of Paradise ("...I once gave up following orders to live with the woman of my dreams, a human botanist named Leila whose love I was finally able to return, on a happy planet that promised peace, joy, and immortality. He saved me from that terrible fate by calling me derogatory names and beating me with a stick until I came to my senses. Afterwards, I aided my captain in rescuing the other colonists and crew members with the same method. I'm not sure Leila ever forgave me for that, but it had to be done.") and The Enterprise Incident ("I remember when we invaded a hostile power's territory to steal their government's technology under the pretense that Kirk had gone insane. I was successful in my seduction of the Romulan commander and the Captain and I were both successful in our deceit. Not only did we acquire the technology, but kidnapped the commander as well and threw her in the brig. She was repatriated a few months later when the secrets became obsolete anyway, and I presume executed.").

While I'm sure Spock wouldn't have really described it that way, the words I have him use are technically true. And I also realize I was being silly having Spock give the LiS children the nerve pinch. Yet I think given the silliness of both ST: TOS and LiS at times, that I can be forgiven a little silliness of my own. ;-) And the guy who originally requested this fic was looking for the 2 crews to come into conflict (Spock and Smith arguing, Kirk and Professor Robinson getting into a fight, etc).

And wanting to end it on the usual LiS cliffhanger, I did have to come up with a compelling reason WHY the Robinsons would refuse to remain with the Enterprise...


End file.
